Kawen lagi...

Last night, he asked me about facts on getting married in thailand.

I knew he was testing me. So i was very calm and pretended as i didnt care.

The questions were merely about the procedures, and about 1st wife approval. So i told him, when mlaysian couple get married in thailand, they still have to register to Malaysian islamic Association. Thats all that i know. And for the first wife approval, none is needed but they have to apply to perform polygamy at syariah court . (Do correct me if i'm wrong).

I was in the mood of explaining but he seemed unsatisfied with my answer.

At last he said, will i give permission if he want to marry another person. I asked him, do you have the candidate? Not yet. He said.

I rushed out from the bedroom, feeling so angry at myself because i failed to talk to his face that i wanted a way out! During that bloody moment, i still think about him. Pitied him. Wtf whats wrong with me.
Obviously, he doesnt love me anymore. He stays because he needs me to feed him. I'm his comfort zone.

Babi.

When will i quit?

Am i not tired, being under his order and Succum to his mood swings ?

*****  throwback sat...

I still remember back in 2013, when i started seeking help about my marriage. I sent emails and messages to a few councelling bodies, ustazs and ustazahs. The replied were merely frustrating.

Especially from one famous female professor. She frequently appeared on tv and had her own talkshow.

I told her about the problem i faced. About my husband being reluctant to visit my parents and all.

Her reply was: You have to be careful in choosing a husband. choose a person that perform solah. Repent to Allah and be patient.

I agree with her advice about me repent to Allah. Yeah but about choosing a husband was very confusing. Her answer made me even more confused. He prayed last time. I didnt know he was going to stop. I was expecting more. For a professor like her...

I stopped depending on people to tell me what to do. Coz it hurts.

This journey is tiring.

Pathetic

Pathetic sangat life aku sekarang.

How is it to live a perfect life? How is it to have beautiful family...a responsible and loving husband?

Sentap

Kenapa ya. Kalau orang lain ko bukan main lagi, rasional x hingat!

Bila dengan aku sikit2 ko nak sentap. Aku dh cukup ade sorang control freak kat rumah. Xkn ko pun nak kontrol aku.

Such a selfish being!

Enaf

Talk talk

Farok: ko tau, kalau aku ada kerja macam dulu, serious aku memang dah cari orang lain.

Aku: *diam

Farok: ko makin x hormat aku, ni sebab kita janji nk susah senang bersama ja. Kalau x Ntahlah...

Bla..bla...bla... Dahla mak ko suh aku lepas ko, abg ko maki aku..bla..bla...bla..

# ape yg aku dpt simpulkan, he made no mistakes. Mak aku marah sebab Mak aku memang suka2 nak suruh kami bercerai. Abg aku maki pun sebab hobi dia maki org.

X nampak lansung kt mana dia salah. Yang dia pisahkan aku n kluarga aku...yang dia xnk balik kg aku, dia xsuka famili aku dtg. Semua tu dia x nmpk.

Dia bole nk komplen aku x layan dia mcm dlu. Aku x daya nk buat baik.

Impian

Aku bukan isteri yg gilakan barang kemas.
Aku xkisah xde sofa. Malah aku boleh tidur berlapik toto.

Kereta buatan Malaysia pun takpe asal bergerak.

Bagi aku kemewahan atau keselesaan itu satu option.

Aku cuma mahu suamiku mengetuai hala tuju rumahtangga.

Aku nak dia usaha keras walau dengan gaji yang x seberapa.

Aku nak dia jaga kebajikan aku. Jaga makan minum aku.

Suami, ibu bapa ku juga penting. Tanpa mereka, aku xada di sini. Hormatilah. Sayangilah. Aku akan beri layanan serupa pada keluargamu.

Paling utama, wahai suami, taatlah pada Pencipta. Solat tanpa jemu. Kejarlah nikmat akhirat.

Itu sahaja yg aku inginkan dari insan bernama suami.

Closer

Malam ni dia cuba pukul aku. Dia cakap dia x pernah susah macam sekarang. Nk beli apa pun xda duit.

I'm so lucky sebab aku masih ada gaji. Duit masuk.

Let me get it straight. Duit aku masuk RM400.

Aku kena bayar kereta RM396. sewa rumah RM350, bil elektrik n air RM160.

Makan...petrol...

Nak beli pad pun xde duit.

Tu aku belum kira hutang2 aku kat peminjam wang berlesen. Kat kawan.

Sorry but its not just u. I suffer too.

What is happening to me?

Watching him asleep, make me cry. I'm started to feel that i'm losing him.

I know i love him. I still do. But he did so many things that hurt my feelings.

I'm so sorry. I am not a good wife. I've stop trying. Sayang... This is so painful.

I am letting go our marriage. It hurts. I'll be missing u sayang.

ALLAH, PLEASE EASE UP HIS JOURNEY. PLEASE GRANT HIM WITH WEALTH AND GOOD HEALTH. PLEASE...

The best feelings ever!

Having my favourite dessert despite the pokainess (broke).

This guilt free treat is very important for me. I want to remind my self, this is a crutial part of life. Whenever i think of him soon, i should remember this feeling. The feeling where i could buy anything i want and be whenever i want to be.

Nia, you could never have this life if you were  to be with him.

YOu have suffered a lot. BE BOLD. Live life to the fullest.

Prinsip

Bila ko kononnya ada prinsip, stick to it. Bukan time kat famili aku ja prinsip ko tu terpakai. Bila kat famili ko bukan main lagi.

Dia x suka kalau tinggalkan rumah kat tetamu. Katanya takut brg2 hilang. Dia ckp time abg aku dtg rumah. So dia anggap famili aku ni jahatla.

Ni pakndak dia nak tumpang tido. Xjadi sewa hotel. Masalahnya aku n farok ade keje kat daerAh lain minggu ni. Bole pulak farok benarkan pakndak dia stay kat rumah sewa aku.

MaNa prinsip ko. Walk the talk. Aku tersangatlah makan hati.

Tak perlu complain kenapa aku x caring macam dulu. Faham sendiri hati aku mati. Ko siksa life aku. Comprende?

SHE'S GONE